mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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