Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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