I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
false alarm. still invincible.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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