I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
