It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
