I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
