Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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