Just fell off a train. Bad.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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