she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
