about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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