put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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