Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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