i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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