I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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