I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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