First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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