im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
