btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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