My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Someone signed my nipple.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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