He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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