you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
