You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
