this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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