I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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