Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
