Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
