i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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