Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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