He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
