I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
