I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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