you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
