It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
