I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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