Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
