I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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