Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
