i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Randomize
