So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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