Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
