She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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