I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
