Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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