I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
