just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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