it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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