I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
