Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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