My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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