I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
