and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
