This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
